Healing Little Me

I remember when I was a small child. My earliest memories are of fighting parents, stress, stress, not enough money, time, car use, cooperation. There was not enough time, attention, patience.
There was always enough food. Eat and leave me alone. Eat while I pay attention to something else, someone else. But, Mom, look what I can do! I learned to be easy, make it easy, feed myself, be helpful, help everyone around me. Maybe then we could all be happy.
I remember fighting for my time and space. For a smile, for comfort, for love, for hugs. My Mom was the only one handing them out, which meant my cousins were in line too. My first brush with lack and scarcity. There was not enough.
My Mom left. No one would tell me where she went. Everyone pretended not to know. The scarcity reign became a noose around my neck. I competed. I competed at Show and Tell, at having a better life, at getting what I needed. I was good at bringing attention to myself, and not always in a good way. Others brought their own agendas when meeting my needs, they viewed it as a contract that I would then reciprocate. I didn't know. I didn't know about that deal. But, it was the only deal I knew. It was the only way I knew to get my needs met.
I forgive everyone I have been competitive with, everyone I took advantage of to gain attention, I forgive myself for needing attention and for reaching out in a competitive manner to get my needs met. I forgive those who Did not freely give their affection. I release this. I release them. I surrender to my Higher Power. Thank you. I am grateful for my experiences and for an end to my competing ways.